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Saturday, March 10th, 2001
10:09 am
ayaan's mommy bought be a pretty candal in a pretty bag :) yay happy birthday to me!

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10:04 am
its my birthday!!!

show was fun... ill talk about that later.


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Thursday, March 8th, 2001
4:10 pm - motivation to bathe

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3:51 pm - meow

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3:44 pm - see what bad music does to people?!?!?!


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3:33 pm - i love them so

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2:56 pm - c-dog
ahhh i had so much fun with conor it rocked. conor is by far one of the most entertaining people i know.
we went to newbury comics and i got sevral cd's with birthdya money.
we went to the mall and got his mom a card and wlaked around
we took pictures in the photo booth. they're silly

and we get to hang out sarurday were going to the 99 and friday hes gonna be at the show, and he might be picking me up from school monday.
rock on!

school was awfull today. its just so repeditive. it makes me so crazy i just sit and relearn things that i already know. its really frustraiting because i do like to learn. i really honestly do. but thier not letting me!!!

my mom is driving me crazy it really sucks that shes sick and i cant be mad at her because her being like this is a result of the deasise. im still really angry about it. its really frustraiting.

current mood: drained

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Tuesday, March 6th, 2001
7:05 pm
rock on silk screening :)


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6:53 pm
i have wicked rad pictures of everything :) its so wonderfull i need to post them on my site.

todays questions...

if everyone turned off thier computers at once would the internet diapear?

whats with being itchy?

cd's confuse me. whats with that?

if i wore my dickies everyday would they eventually have more paint then pants in them?

current mood: artistic

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1:20 pm - Conversation with Anna #1 and Anna #2
Aevaal: anna!
inutiliANNA: anna :-)
inutiliANNA: how are you
Aevaal: not bad. how are you?
inutiliANNA: cold me toes r frozen
Aevaal: uh oh
inutiliANNA: yeah
Aevaal: too bad
inutiliANNA: yeah ill be fine though
inutiliANNA: evans mean
inutiliANNA: can u call evan in a little while, cuse i need to talk to to my friend.
inutiliANNA: is that okay?
Aevaal: why's evan mean? or any meaner than normal
inutiliANNA: just mean
Aevaal: heh heh
inutiliANNA: always mean
Aevaal: why?
Aevaal: need me to beat him up?
inutiliANNA: cuse he doesnt care about anyone but himself and the only things he ever does that are nice he does because they ahve a direct positive result on him.
inutiliANNA: yeah sure.
Aevaal: ohh
Aevaal: I'm sorry
Aevaal: what'd he do?
inutiliANNA: and he sincerly doesnt care.
inutiliANNA: hes just an asshole he does shitty thigns to me and then doesnt care about it and tells me im stupid for getting upset over them
inutiliANNA: he'll be like " anna your stupid and fat and ugly, go away"
inutiliANNA: and then when im liek evans your sucha dick
inutiliANNA: he'll be like anna your a bitch go awya dont even talk to me
inutiliANNA: and i really try to talk to him and be all " evan please dont do that because it really gets to me" but he just doesnt care.
inutiliANNA: it just makes me so angry
Aevaal: ohhh anna, I'm sorry
Aevaal: I know
inutiliANNA: andi cant waituntill he leaves and i dont have to put up with his shit anymore
Aevaal: you think it'll be better without him?
inutiliANNA: well then at least i dont have to deal with him.
Aevaal: yeah
Aevaal: ohh, I feel awful that he's making you feel so bad
inutiliANNA: ugh he doesnt care why should you.
Aevaal: hah, don't you even try to be cynical with me :-) of course I care, anna
Aevaal: don't ever think that I don't, and don't think that I'm not on your side too even though I'm with evan
inutiliANNA: thanks i gfuess.
Aevaal: :-)
inutiliANNA: we just have so many mutual friends
inutiliANNA: so when i bitch tot hem about evan they dont understand what a dick he is to me
inutiliANNA: because hes nice to other peopel
Aevaal: yeah. that must be a little strange
Aevaal: yeah
inutiliANNA: it is
inutiliANNA: whatever though cus ei cant do anything about it
Aevaal: I don't know. my sister and I actually had this huge argument over the summer, really late at night, she got really worked up and so we fought, and then just talked, and I guess I do lots of things that she's sort of threatened by without really realizing it
inutiliANNA: but i cant talk with evam
inutiliANNA: evan
inutiliANNA: because he never takes me seirously becaue im his sister
inutiliANNA: and it doesnt matter to him if im upset or mad or whatever
Aevaal: that's where HE'S really wrong, because he should always take you seriously. I may give catie a hard time sometimes, but I always always always take her seriously
Aevaal: ugh
Aevaal: and you can tell him I said so
inutiliANNA: and its just frustraiting because i cant make him take me seirouslyt because hes unreasonable
Aevaal: yeah, that's frustrating
Aevaal: errgh

current mood: melancholy

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3:13 am
All i have to say for now is,

skanking is like sex-

its really fun, and after a while you get tired, but you keep doing it anyways.

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Monday, March 5th, 2001
10:09 pm - and.out.come.the.stars
how can he do this?

im doing really well im really happy. and evan he just comes along and he fucking takes it all away no effort he's just such an asshole. AHHH i cant get away from it. i cant get away form any of it. and theres no one there.

and i cant understand hwo he can be so shitty to me and not care.
i dont understand how he has anyone who wants to be around him.
i dont se ehow he can hurt me so badly and not see it or care and then he can come back to me 20 minutes later and act liek nothing happened. and when i dont respond the way he wants me to, or im still upset he tells me how stupid i am for it. arn't i allowed to feel?
and i cant wait untill hes gone and id ont have to deal with all his shit.

and i hate it that i cant cut because everyone yells at me.
and everyone is hurt when i do somthing stupid
and im so stupid and i hurt everyone because of it.
and im so fucked up and i cant get away from anything.

AND NO ONE NOTICES...and no one cares accept for everyone. I PRETEND SO HARD and i almost wish no one cared because then i wouldnt hurt anyone. and im sorry because im hurting everyone by writing this here. and im so sorry to everyone. and i told joel i was sorry the other day and i told him i was sorry but i know he doesnt understand. and i feel awful because all i ever do is hurt everyone. and i want to make it better but the only way i can not hurt people would to be not to exist. but i cant not exist without hurting people. and i cant fix anything. and everyone has to care. and i have to care about everything and everyone.

im so afraid to hurt people who have been to good to me, like ayaan...ayaan im so sorry im so sorry ayaan.


i cant stop thinking about him and how wonderfull he was to take me out to brekfast. and rancid played on the radio, and everything seemed wonderfull for just a little while, and it was.

i got in a fight with chad, and im always gonna care about him no matter what, because i cant help but care for everyone somewhat. but im gonna be shitty because im such a shitty person and he cant just go away on his own why cant he just learn to stay away from awfull things like me. i hope he's learned. i hope hes not hurt to badly. i hope he's learned.

i dont look liek myself, because i dont have my glasses. and i washed my hair today. and i cleaned all my clothes, and nothing smells the same because im sick... and i dont feel like me at all.

my shirt and my wrist bands and my shooes all match. and its all so soft and nice and i just want to fall asleep, but i dont want tomorrow to come.

i feel bad because my dad bought me a watch for my birthdya and its so pretty and it has an artist's pallet as the face of the watch but i dont know how to read it. im so sorry...

i have an essay to write.

and i love the movie fight club.

how come everything i draw looks like or feels like me?

i wish i could say all this in one big breath one enormous run-on sentance that would make my english teacher frown and say to me " and you know you could do better that this, i know you better than that."

and i miss the beach.

and the cardigans sound so beautifull to me tonight. i could just lisen to it and sing to it for hours. and i feel like rosie because i really like to hear the sound of my voice singing it. and the music is so pretty and the violens and bass and gutair and drums and everything just melds togeather so perfectly. and i hate myself because lately i love the way i look. and i dont hate myself, and is it wrong? and im just as joel says. and crash diets do work. and dresses do look prettier when you dont eat. and i want to be all " it shouldnt matter what you look like its whats on the inside that counts," but.. howcome i want to be pretty?

and im going so crazy. i know im not the only perosn with problems, i know im no alone, but i just feel so... wrong. IM SORRY that i always make myself the victem. im sorry for complaining because i know i have it so much better than so many other people and i should suck it up and deal with it. Im so sorry. but i shouldn't have to apoligize in my own journal, but i am sorry.

and....ALL I CAN DO....is lisen to pixies and cardigans and that life house song and everything else that just magnifies the way i feel right now. ALL I CAN PICTURE...is a little girl about 8 years old looking up at someone with big tear filled eyes saying shes sorry, and saying she doesnt knwo what to do. ALL I CAN FEEL..is frustraited, because i am....AND ALL I CAN DO.. is cry and write and draw because i cant cut even though i want to...AND I WANT TO FUCKING CUT..but i cant...i cant, because it hurts everyone else. i cant because its selfish i cant because its unkind. and ITS SO HARD. and i want to.

and i dont want to be alone...right nwo i feel like the only thing really there for me is the blinking cursor at the end of my sentance, but its all so cold.

and the computer won't sign online. no human contact. and ive tried a hundred times.

current mood: frustrated

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5:24 pm
umm i havnt written in forever. umm so lots of stuff happened.

i went to the diversity dance.
i slept over ayaans
conor took me out to brekfast it was nice.

umm i dunno wierd shit. i feel really shitty right now, because evan's a jerk, hes always a jerk i hate to be around him everyone keeps tellign em they'll talk to him but they dont. he doesnt care and i cant ever talk to him and i really do try but whenever i try and talk to him or tell him he never lisens to me he juts syas its because im stupid or somthing and hes such an asshole and he's giving em so much shit.
"anna your so fat"
"anna your so stupid"
"anna dont talk to me"
"anna go away"
"anna your so ugly"
"anna your a bitch"
"anna dont even try and talk to me"
"anna if you sya one word to me im not even going to try and help you so stop bitching"

i really cant be aroudn him i cant wait unitll he goes away.

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5:23 pm
argh im gonan cry i cant see and i cant fix my glasses because i cant see and no one will fix them for me. evan's just sitting there and watching tv AND HES BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

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Thursday, March 1st, 2001
1:11 pm
hmmm last night i screened patches they look nice. i think im giving them to even brock at the last 85 ca show.thats gonna be so wierd. thier are gonna be so many people there.

hmmm i think im going to ayaans diversity dance woohoo!

there are lots of people online consitering its the middle of the afternoon.

ahh so yeha i wrote an essay well tis almost finished i did all i can. i just need my mom to bring home a book so i can put quotes in it. but otherwise im done it was pretty painless. i proccrastinate too much. yeah so im glad i got it mostly done.

im going to school tomorrow i feel a lot better.

the new ataris cd is wonderfull i saw harry yesterday and i got it. evans such an ass hahaha!

im so happy when im nto aorund my family everything goes just fine untill they come home. its frustraiting especially my mom and evan.

the snow is melting HURRAH!!! lalala sprins is commign lalalala! spring is comming spring is comming alert the king! spring is comming!!!

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, February 28th, 2001
5:13 pm

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1:22 pm
hmmm im home sick again. i dont feel all that wonderfull. more silk screening today!

ive lost track of everyone. i dont know anyone anymore it seems.

ayaan- we never talk during the week.
elaine- not my friend anymore because shes too poppular to be seen with me.
dietz- shes still there supports my " freekiness" but i never see or hang out with her o talk to her.
britt- we never talk during the week.
mel- i never talk to unless i see her somewhere.
joel- i never talk to anymore.. i gave up calling... he doesnt care anyway.
erika- shes always in RI.
gary- compleatly lost track of.
chad- i talk to as much as possible but i feel bad because im not what i should be to him. im such a shitty friend.
audrey- i realy want to help she has so much shit to sort out, she really doesnt have other friends, but i dont knwo hwo to help. we never see eachother and only ever talk a little online.
marianna- broke up with her boyfriend she cant hold a conversation. ( i feel bad wanting to talk about somthing else)
rosie- thats rosie. shes only my friend when she has time for me.
gam- i dont feel like i can talk to gam i dont think he takes me seriously.
max & austin- LIVE IN KENNEBUNK MAINE!!!
mary- i dont ever see mary we never have serious conversations, i feel closer to joe than mary right now.
randi- never see never call its wierd to think she used to be my best friend.
greg- i dunno i only ever talk to greg when im fucked up and unhappy or cutting.
sara- i have to see and take naked pictures of (what a chore) i dont feel like doing this.

i dont like being sick because i cant sing dashboard confesional. damn. i hate being sick.

i am an emogator
an emogator am i.
feed me some emo
ill gobble it up.
i am an emogobbler
an emogobbler am i.
feed me some emo
ill gator it up.
not an easy life
has the emogator.
my tears fall green.
but ill milk it
for all its worth
bottle green tears,
and sprinkle on poems.
scatter across sentances.
i've run out.

ten 10 ten 10 ten 10 ten days untill my birthday

current mood: sad

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Tuesday, February 27th, 2001
1:22 pm
im home sick from school i left during a block. im home lisening to new ataris songs :) wow. i love the ataris. :):):)
yeah so the part of school i did go to- for hocky all the kids on the team had to get wierd haircuts. and a bunch of kids did mowhawks they did it all wrong! *sigh* westwood people.
wow i cant wait untill i get to see the ataris. maybe ill getmy tickets in the mail today. maybe not.
my birthday is in 12 days :) wow so soon. this year its gonna rock i didnt have like any friends last year on my birthday- thats so wierd to think about wierd.
yeah so today im working on BTJ patches more. hurrah!

questions for today-
how do i buy packages of 10 sharpies and loose them within a week?
how are the ataris so wonderfull?
why wont evan take me to newbury comics to BUY the new ataris CD! why?!?!?!
why isnt it socially acceptable for me to suck on a psifier in public? hmm?

ATARIS MAKE ME SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: ecstatic

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Sunday, February 25th, 2001
1:19 pm - friday night poppunk
friday night i went to a poppunk show with steve. it was wierd because it was in franklin and we didnt know anyone there and al the kids who were there had never been there beofre. i hadnt slept yet but i went becays ei never hang out with steve and he seems to want someone to hang out with- and im glad i went too because he seemed to have fun. but i feel bad cuse i was all uhh pull over im gonna puke- i dunno i felt better half way into the show and had fun too. steve is sucha good guy. i really dont liek poppunk shows. but on the plus side- there was this guy from 34 spoon who is really nice and he has really beautifull ears. thier all gaged its so nice looking and i had a nice conversation with him.... um steve and i had a really emo conversation on the way home. steve needs a hug.

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12:25 pm - My february vacation 2001
ARGH i missed the train and i sltp right through it and gams probobly there pickin me up right now. SHIT im sorry gam. i slept in. im so tired i need sleep so badly. but i couldnt even sleep in that much cuse the stupid phone kept ringing and no one would pick it up. Ugh

okay so wierd end of the week...here u go-

i went to sleep over audrys thursday night- it was cool we had fun we were on the comp and we died her hair and pierced my ears. her brother was having a party in the basement. audrys mom took awya form of thier alcohol like 2 gallon things. one of rum one of somthing else.

okay so audrys mom was a sober alhoholic of like a year and a half.

audry goes downstairs to find her mom puking int he downstairs bathroom and the bottles of liqor a lot less full. so um yeah audry freeks out. yeah she has a right too i would have to. i was all shit this is going to suck-

so i dunno it got really bad and we had to call an ambulance. um yeah that sucked. it really sucked because audry had to deal with ti all because her brother and hid friends were all smashed in the basement like high and drunk watching cartoons and lisening to techno. the smell of pot wafted through the air vents and techno boomed throughout the house.

um yeah this sucked.

so okay after a while aud has caled down we go online, she feels a little better. hahaha hipocritically audry drinks some i had like a small amount of rum. i dont even really drink ever i dunno why i choose tonight. because it was aud and i felt bad or some shit. i dunno it was extreamly stupid. so dont give me crap for it just leave me alone!!!

okay so its early morning we havnt slept yet we try to sleep cant so we take some caffine pills so we can just stay awake the rest of the day. so um yeah i took them and we felt fine for a while but after a whiel i felt really really shitty. and it was horrible and later i threw up all kinds of shit.

ugh i go home eventually. and steve pierce calls me and i go to a poppunk show with him. he had fun im glad id ont really liek poppunka dna iw as so tired. um so yeah i stayed up 36 hours GO ME!

um yeah sooo the next day i go and see rosie tell her about the entire ordeal it was fine she mademe eat cus ei havtn been eating as much lately. shes snugly and fun somtimes.

i stayed up all last night till about 3 chatting with this guy who i was talkign to online at audrys house turns out hes from plainville. he works with evan brock in brooks phamracy. turns out ive met him. hes wicked cool * we rock* i love the scene and how nifty it it like that. hes cool id love to hang out with him sometime. hehe. okay

hmmmm its nice to have thta all witten down even though im sure i forgot somthing. TIRED SO TIRED

so im acually kind of glad im nto doing anything today im going to stay home and sleep and type a report *hurrah*

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